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Title: Mr. Durfee's draft belief essay
Category: Student Writing
Description:

I believe that you must make time to do for yourself.

Life is full of responsibilities. That which you must do. That which cannot wait. That which is due now. These duties tend to increase with age. But I will state that truly you have only one duty in your life: the duty to be true to yourself. The struggle in life is to find the time to do whatever it is that makes you happy, that inspires you, that gives your life purpose. Without that as a focal point--as a target to shoot toward--life becomes drudgery, a series of dreadful tasks. You end up going through the motions, finishing time on a sentence.

Now, this simple philosophy--to make the time to do what really empassions you--could be misinterpretted. This oculd be understood as a thorough and total disregard for all of the uncomfortable experiences in life. "Hey, forget school! I am doing what I want to do, and I want to sleep! I need rest for what I really want to do!" Ok, fine. But you must make decisions with a clear head; an education is an investment in your future, so avoid it or ignore it at your peril. I would love to stay home to wriet all day, but that is running a risk, too; if i do not receive an advance to finish writing a novel, how will I pay my bills? This question--how will I pay my bills?--weighs heavily on every amateur athlete who has suffered a career-ending injury. What do I do now? Suffice it to say that you must find a measured way to pursue your passions.

If you want to be good at anything in life you need, you must practice. LeBron and Kobe were blessed with physical gifts, but their games became dominant only after years of practice. the Beatles are a generation-spanning, international musical success, but they started as four lads playing 8-hours-a-night in dirty bars in Germany. Bill Gates is a billionaire, but he started as a geeky kid sneeking out of his parents house to write computer codes at the college lab in his hometown. If a guy has a story to tell, he better get his butt out of bed and work on telling it.


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Comment Posted by: T A at 07:18:04 AM on 10/28/2010


Here are my edits to your essay. I underlined the parts that need revising.

 

I believe that you must make time to do for yourself.

Life is full of responsibilities. That which you must do. That which cannot wait. That which is due now. These duties tend to increase with age. But I will state that you truly have only one duty in your life: the duty to be true to yourself. The struggle in life is to find the time to do whatever it is that makes you happy, that inspires you, that gives your life purpose. Without that as a focal point--as a target to shoot toward--life becomes drudgery. You end up going through the motions, finishing time on a sentence.

Now, this simple philosophy--to make the time to do what really empassions you--could be misinterpretted. This oculd be understood as a thorough and total disregard for all of the uncomfortable experiences in life. Hey, forget school! I am doing what I want to do, and I want to sleep! I need rest for what I really want to do! Ok, fine. But you must make decisions with a clear head; an education is an investment in your future, so avoid it or ignore it at your peril. I would love to stay home to wriet all day, but that is running a risk, too; if i do not receive an advance to finish writing a novel, how will I pay my bills? This question--how will I pay my bills?--weighs heavily on every amateur athlete whose suffered a career-ending injury. What do I do now? Suffice it to say that you must find a measured way to pursue your passions.

If you want to be good at anything in life you need, you must practice. LeBron and Kobe were blessed with physical gifts, but their games became dominant only after years of practice. the Beatles are a generation-spanning, international musical success, but they started as four lads playing 8-hours-a-night in dirty bars in Germany. Bill Gates is a billionaire, but he started as a geeky kid sneeking out of his parents house to write computer codes at the college lab in his hometown. If a guy has a story to tell, he better get his butt out of bed and work on telling it.


Comment Posted by: T A at 07:15:53 AM on 10/28/2010


Your Name Tyler Arden Author’s Name Mr. Durfee (my favorite teacher!)
1.    Paraphrase the author’s philosophy.  How would you describe, in your own words, the author’s philosophy?

You have to work hard to get what you want in life. You must find time ot follow what is important to you.

2. Find two examples of evidence that the author uses to support his/her belief. Think D.R.A.P.E.S. Even if you agree with the example, suggest alternative interpretations of that evidence; how might someone else respond to the author’s story? The Beatles spent years working in bars in Germany before they became the Beatles, the biggest band in the world. Bill Gates was a nerdy computer kid working hard at computer programming before he was able to found Microsoft and make billions.


3. Quote the passage from the essay that seems most unclear to you. Offer specific suggestions to the author for rewording the quoted passage.

“The struggle in life is to find the time to do whatever it is that makes you happy, that inspires you, that gives your life purpose.”

I think you need to use parallel structure in this sentence. You need to repeat the phrase “to find the time to do” before each item in your list.


4.    Quote a passage that seems especially well-written to you. Be sure to give specific reasons why you like the writing.

“If a guy has a story to tell, he better get his butt out of bed and work on telling it.”

I like this sentence. It is direct. You are making an explicit connection between the kind of work you feel compelled to do as an author and the kind of work other successful people put in to become successful. Also, I like the word “butt.”

5. For grammatical errors, stick to fixing problems on the paper itself. Underline misspelled words (use the dictionary to check if you are unclear). Make bold any awkward sentences (run-ons, comma splice, grammatical issues).

I have identified all of your spelling and grammar errors with underlines and pasted a copy of your essay below my responses.

6. Finally, offer your overall reaction to the paper, focusing on a particular moment during your reading. "I liked it" or "I didn't like it" ("It's good" "It's not good") will NOT suffice here! Be more specific! For example, "I was pretty bored during that first paragraph..." or "On page three I was more interested when you involved the reader with that hypothetical..." Be sure to QUOTE here as well.

Well, I understand your belief, and I think It is true that you have to get up and work hard to achieve what you want. That said, I was not easily drawn into your essay. There was no hook, no catchy lead. You essentially start your essay with a belief and explain it form there. That is fine, but maybe you can spice it up? Maybe you can write one of those narrative leads, or anecdotal leads you mentioned in class. Set a scene for us, Mr. Durfee! Oh, and what is with all of the spelling errors? Aren’t you an English teacher?!?


Comment Posted by: T A at 07:15:10 AM on 10/28/2010


Testing, testing. 1, 2, 3.

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